Many of us women alcoholics are veterans of the "Bunco culture." Or as I prefer to call it, "Drunco." Bunco is a sort of suburban phenomenon that revolves around a dozen or so ladies playing an inane dice game. The game is a lot more fun when wine, cosmos, apple-tinis or even tequila is served. I never lied to myself -- my Bunco nights were about getting together with other women, letting down our hair, and HAVING FUN.
The group I belonged to was made up of moms from the elementary school. Most of us had kids around the same age -- in fact, the group started when our oldests were Kindergarten-age. They are now juniors in high school. A few years ago, we all sort of got bored with Bunco, and tried "Ladies Night Out" instead. Then, we morphed into a book group. We are supposed to read a book each month, then the hostess cooks a dinner based on the book. Wine and other alcohol is served, but the tone is much more sedate than those Bunco days. I never feel uncomfortable NOT drinking at these evenings as much as I did on those rare occasions when I did not drink at Bunco.
Still, I am feeling like I don't have as much in common with these old friends as I used to. People change and grow apart, but I realize what I felt was that strange affliction of being lonely even when you are in a crowd. None of these ladies -- no matter how long we'd known each other -- truly understood what I was going through.
So, last fall I had an inspiration. Why not get together a group of ladies who are in recovery to do a book club? To my astonishment, people thought it was a good idea, too. Last month, about eight of us ladies from the Friday meeting at St. John Vianney started our own book club. The idea was not to read "sanctioned" AA literature, but books that somehow dealt with recovery and spiritual growth. I got to pick the first book: "Drinking: A Love Story," by Caroline Knapp. Last night, we met at Stephanie's to "talk" about the book. As is typical in most book clubs, we did a lot of talking, and about 25 percent of it was about the book.
But that's okay. That was the intention. It's great to get together socially, and I am realizing that I might not need booze after all to have a good time with other women -- or people in general. When I started playing Bunco 10 years ago, not only did I need alcohol, but I needed that community of other moms. We were navigating parenthood together, and the support we received from each other as our children grew up was invaluable. Now, my needs have changed, and I am so grateful that I seemed to have found another community that is helping ME grow up.
Next book: "Traveling Mercies," by Anne Lamott.
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I think one thing I found amazing was who I hung around with in my drinking days were other drinkers. Why would I want to hang with you if you had soda? That wasn't fun! And in fact I would purposely ask over one particular friend who was divorced if I wanted to drink in front of my husband and not hide it. If Sheryl was there, it was "okay" to drink with her. When in fact, Sheryl could never keep up with me. But somehow it was okay or seemed that way for my husband. What I've found in my non drinking days is no one I hang around with now drinks (at least not in front of me). Funny how that happens. I really don't even like being around the drinkers as they get louder and closer to you and breathe in your face.
ReplyDeleteThanks Peggy.
Recently, I gave up one of my book clubs. I felt lonely within the crowd of 12 or so women. These were the movers and shakers in my community and I had wanted to join this group for a few years after I first heard about it. What was the problem?
ReplyDeleteIt turns out the problem was with me. First off, I couldn't tolerate the discussion dominated by the loudest drinking person. And it seemed to move too fast for me. I needed to listen to what someone was saying, think about it, and have the time to respond. That wasn't the tenor of this group even though I know each one of us would have benefited from an equitable and thoughtful discussion - of the book or the book-to-self ideas. When alcohol is in the mix talk seems to be one-sided.
Thank you Peggy for making the recovery bc idea work. We have so much new ground to cover in recovery! I love the fact that the sobriety in the group varies from days to many years!
Susan
What a great idea to start a book club ... it's too bad most guys don't read much. Maybe the men could get together and watch sports or something, except given the age of most of the men at St. John's, the game would probably be horseshoes or shuffleboard. B-O-R-I-N-G! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the Bunco phenomenon. Men need to make a competition out of everything, as you well know. I don't know how many times I felt less of a man because I didn't belch louder, pee further, look cooler, etc. Of course, after awhile not many guys could say they could out drink me (and I ain't a bug guy - shoulders back, chest out).
If you liked the last book you read, put in a recommendation in my blog. As a reminder, if you go through my blog to buy the book from Amazon, approximately 10% will go to AA. You can also click here: Traveling Mercies as a shortcut.